Why November no longer makes me happy .. One year since my fiancé was detained #Syria

“اعمل لآخرتك كأنك تموت غداً”
﴿وَعَسَى أَنْ تَكْرَهُوا شَيْئاً وَهُوَ خَيْرٌ لَكُمْ وَعَسَى أَنْ تُحِبُّوا شَيْئاً وَهُوَ شَرٌّ لَكُمْ وَاللَّهُ يَعْلَمُ وَأَنْتُمْ لَا تَعْلَمُونَ﴾

I keep seeing people posting “hello November” “I love you November” “November ❤️”

I guess I used to love it, it’s the start of beautiful weather .. The leaves turn golden and red and start to fall as the roads suddenly look simply beautiful .. You walk and they crunch under your feet and being a scarfie – well the lovely cool calm colder weather makes me feel great 😊 .. I start to like to walk rather than drive .. I want to feel the rain on my face and have to gasp for breath when it’s a bit too cold as I bring out my gloves and scarves ..

I won’t talk about refugees or anything like that for once I think it’s known .. November was a special month but I think forever more it will hold a dark memory for me

A year ago I had booked to go to Lebanon to meet my fiancé and get properly engaged and do the Islamic contract in the Syrian world known as being “halal engaged”.. Don’t ask

It’s kind of that time you wait for as a girl you find someone your heart starts to get attached to .. It’s not a guy who his mother knocked your door and said hi we heard you have a girl? It’s a different kind of story in a war with bombs and siege and a bit of hope .. maybe when we finally can get islamically engaged and married I can share it all because Allah has taught me I can’t plan and shouldn’t plan too much as He alone is the best of planners ..

Back to November and me being a girl typically excited, getting a dress and all .. But scared .. Yes I was always in fear he would be detained .. During those past two weeks end of October and beginning of November friends kept seeing me in dreams and seeing him .. very strange things .. Every night of November I would cry and pray please God don’t let them hurt him .. Please

He was in Syria and he was a doctor and they don’t like humane doctors in Syria. To keep it simple.

We went to Totnes that weekend of November, I told him after over 2 years of speaking to Paul Conroy I will finally meet him and his beautiful family seeing as Paul was injured where my fiancé first got besieged setting up the field hospital .. Random small world times .. We went and stayed the weekend there .. I was scared .. Nothing can explain it but beautiful November was becoming very dark for me .. I knew something was going to happen

He checked we got back to London safe and said maybe we can talk tomorrow, but only Allah knows if we will (yes I was confused) then he slept .. The next day he made his way to Damascus .. I had never been so scared about a journey he took in Syria as he went weekly between Homs and Damascus. But this time at work as I was training to become a pharmacist my heart -as Arabs say – was on between my legs painfully beating .. I told him I don’t have Internet please ring me once to let me know you arrived okay .. I got the call and I still wasn’t sure

I got home and wifi clicked on .. I got loads of messages saying “they stopped me and after a few hours I was free to go .. I’m okay ”

One hour .. Two .. Five .. It became very late and nothing from him .. I contacted friends and activists in Damascus and they said no the electricity is working and signals are fine – his phone can be charged and he doesn’t leave us in suspense this long usually .. I rang a normal call and someone opened and hung up .. Then it was turned off .. I contacted his family who said he must be asleep .. Lazy guy .. I put an alarm at 1am – nothing, then at 2am and nothing .. I knew they had taken him

Sometimes it’s hard to explain to someone not Syrian what being detained means in Syria .. It means firstly you have not one single bloody idea where on earth this person is .. They disappear into thin air .. You start freaking out paying anyone and everyone to just get you some news where he might be and you get nothing just people stealing your money .. Every day you know someone released or hear of someone released .. All you know is starvation and bodies with holes drilled into them using knives and screw drivers and drills .. You see men losing their mind forever and you see girls coming out pregnant .. You see shoulders broken and ligaments torn because they hang you for hours by the hands .. You see blood results showing HIV and hepatitis after they’re stabbed with needles repeatedly .. You see the word Assad is your God burnt onto their backs as purple and black designs cover their once beautiful skin from the lashing and beating .. You see eyes poked out and nails missing and many with teeth plucked out .. This is all I knew and he was with them .. Because he was a doctor who cared and helped and risked his life to help those in need ..

November is a month I couldn’t write to him, I ended up writing many letters to him almost every night talking to myself .. Asking are you alive or dead? Are they hurting you? Have you been allowed to sleep or shower? Are you being allowed to eat? But through November the shock overcame me .. I may never hear or see from him again

The world is suddenly dark .. But it’s absolutely amazing .. Allah is there always and he makes the hardest of tests easy

He was released in March – same day as my cousin being released (since then she got cancer and her husband is still detained so pray for her too)

He and she were lucky .. My cousins remain inside and my friends remain inside .. My friends mum is inside and so many so so many are still inside these torture hell holes on earth ..

Many die and can’t survive the torture.

Where was/is the world from Assad regime mass torture of detainees including babies and women and elderly.

A whole year later I am waiting for Allah to make things easy for all and help my situation and every person suffering in this situation .. Mostly those who know nothing about their loved ones ..

But it’s a lesson for life .. You really know nothing of your future .. You can sit and plan it all .. You know nothing .. You may be gone tonight .. Who knows? Do for the hereafter as though you will die today and do for this world as though you will live forever

Maybe one day I can put all my words and memories and letters into a book as many advised me.. I am just very so so terrible at writing so will see 🙂

Pray for the detained. Please. Xxx

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